By Ade Daramy

With the just-over-a-year-ago concluded American presidential elections and election fever gripping parts of Africa (Sudan, Madagascar), I thought this was the opportune moment to do a lexicon of words and phrases that have been doing the political rounds internationally but in particular what these phrases mean in an African context. ‘Only in Africa' - see Madagascar, where an elected leader was ousted in a ‘coup' - in order to errr ‘establish democracy!' The phrase ‘parallel universe' comes to mind.

This should serve as a handy tool for all those reporters who want to spend a week in Africa, become an Africa Expert, write articles without leaving their hotel bar and sign that major book deal based on their deep knowledge of African politics. If anyone denotes an element of cynicism in these definitions, it is purely intentional. And, the list is not intended to be exhaustive; how can it be, when there is always something ‘interesting' likely to happen at any time, where Africa is concerned?

Activist - If they belong to your party (that is, the ruling party), their ‘job description' might extend to intimidating (beating mercilessly) opposition supporters. Especially if the government of the day is having problems: including problems in keeping the opposition quiet and of answering questions on accounting for government funds and the state of the economy. Otherwise, you are ‘an agitator paid by the opposition party or parties; and, sometimes by foreign governments'.

Agenda - Not only can this be a list of policy aims and objectives (sometimes called wild promises/manifesto), but also more importantly, a list of persons to eliminate/'take care of' before anyone can raise objections as to their disappearance or death.

Anarchy - This is the second most popular form of ‘government' on the African continent. See immediately below (see also dictionary definition of ‘chaos').

Authoritarianism - This is what many non-Africans call our ‘preferred' system of government. It is the most ‘popular' form of government across the continent.

Ballot - This is a costly, time-wasting exercise indulged in by so-called ‘democratic' countries. Why anyone bothers with this method of choosing a leader has never been clear to Africa's Leaders. Surely, every leader is loved an adored by all his subjects and does not need the unnecessary distraction of having to prove himself against lesser beings (sometimes called ‘traitors' or ‘enemies of the republic' or ‘the opposition').

Big government - Big Men, Big Governments (See also Big Man) - this really relates to government stretching its tentacles into every aspect of people's lives - otherwise know as the African Reality. Bigger Brother, in other words.

Big Man - Every African leader is a ‘big man'. Usually, this is just a sobriquet applied to all who have the Machiavellian skills to make it to the top. However, after a few years of enjoying the fruits of power, even the smallest of big men will become a physically big man. Also called ‘the pa', ‘the beloved leader', ‘father of the nation', or ‘the light of the world'. As a show of affection (and common sense), his photograph will be prominently displayed in every public and private enterprise.

Bi-partisan - This is a Western (according to some), Utopian dream of 2 opposing political parties working towards a common aim. This is extremely difficult (some might say impossible) to achieve in a context where there is only one political party on the landscape.

Campaign - This is a device that allows the party in power to use all the tools of the state (especially the media, cars, buses, civil servants etc) to propagate their policies whilst denying the opposition (if one exists), the chance to use those same tools. Therefore, every ‘opening' by the President gets shown on TV and appears in the press (sometimes, this can extend to the opening of a can of Coke!).

Canvassing - This involves going into what are considered ‘unfriendly neighbourhoods' and ‘outing' opposition supporters (with or without firearms). It also lets voters know who to vote for; this invariably means the man already in charge (see ‘boss', ‘the pa' or ‘the big man').

Checks and Balances - The somewhat crazy notion that there should be a division of power between the executive, legislative and judicial branches of government, and these powers check and balance each other. Why on earth, when you can have all in one place (or more usually, one person).

Coat tails - Once the ‘boss', ‘pa' or ‘big man' has been elected, or otherwise ‘assumes' office (there's been known to be the occasional coup), all his supporters (i.e. his relatives and tribesfolk especially) can "ride his coat tails" to positions of power and authority.

Conservative - This usually refers to someone who likes the status quo and dislikes both change and new ideas. Otherwise know as ‘those in power'.

Conspiracy - Whatever the ‘other side' are planning. Usually refers to something of an underhand nature. Saying ‘bad' things about the government or just pointing out their wrongdoings can amount to ‘conspiracy'.

Constituency - Otherwise known as "people from the same ethnic group as myself that I represent in parliament".

Constitution - Usually this refers to the fundamental rules and principles by which a state is organized. But these are to be changed as and when the ‘big man' decrees - usually when he wishes to be made ‘President For Life'.

Convention - A big party by ‘The Party' to decide who leads a party and who represents that party in local and national elections - also linked to choosing constituencies (see ‘Constituency' above). A convention must always be accompanied by lots of singing, dancing and ashobi-wearing women. No party worthy of the name would dare be without a convention.

Corporate ties - The close (sometimes too close) ties between the government and those owning companies seeking government contracts or laws favourable to their company interests. Also sometimes referred to as "being in the pocket of..."

Coup D'etat - A popular and frequently successful method of changing government, usually involving guns. Much more popular and easier than voting people out of office.

Debate - A fancy word for an argument; a debate allows you to know what your opponents are thinking. And, once you do, you know who you need to detain as soon as you get into power.

Delegate - Someone who represents the interests of his party - as opposed to representing himself.

Democracy - We are not sure where exactly in the world this is practised, but it's not Africa. Apparently, using this method, you can actually vote people in and out of office. The ‘in' part is fine, not so sure about the ‘out'. Why on earth, would anyone want to vote a beloved leader out of office? It'll never catch on across our continent.

Democrat - One who believes in and practises democracy (see above). This is a crazy system, which sometimes means the ‘other guy' can sometimes win. This has been known to happen but no one can remember where or when.

Despotism and Dictatorship - We need not waste valuable time defining these two; they are like old family friends. Like a famous person about to make a speech at a function, they need no introduction.

Dictator - Another word for president...

Feminism - The Western notion that society is disadvantageous to women, systematically depriving them of individual choice, political power, economic opportunity and intellectual recognition. As a leader of a nation you will make many public speeches denouncing such inequalities before going home to ‘the little woman' who will take off your shoes, massage your feet and bring your dinner to the table. Assuming you don't go to your girlfriend's place first, that is.

Filibuster - This is the means by which the opposition (if you allow one to exist) can frustrate the ruling party getting bills through parliament. In Africa, a ‘head buster' can sometimes counter a filibuster most effectively.

Fundraising - Getting money from people. Specifically, getting people to pay for your political campaign or political party/house/car for your girlfriend etc. In more enlightened countries it is called extortion and can lead to Prosecution. Inevitably, the ‘Fund-givers' tend to expect something in return for their funds'.

General election - So called because, generally, the same guys get elected time and again. This is the process by which everyone gets a chance to vote - theoretically. If you belong to the opposition, you could find your name strangely absent from the voters' register.

Gerrymandering - The redrawing of voting district boundaries by the party in power to include locations of their supporters in the hopes of increasing their power in the next election. This is the standard (i.e. non-African) definition and no comments need be added to this one.

Global Village - The notion that with improved communication, interdependence and cross-cultural linking, the whole world has become one great, big ‘Global Village'. Inevitably, there will have to be a Global Village Idiot. It is said that some of our leaders have already started auditioning for this role.

Grassroots - This can either mean local level politics, or more commonly, what many people will have to rely on for nutrition after yet another failed states' failed economic and agricultural policies.

Green Party - See ‘Grassroots'. Can also refer to a party that is just starting out. Nothing to do with the environment, whatever that is. Can also mean ‘Green' as in naïve!

Human Rights - The ridiculous notion that people have rights simply because they are human beings.

Incumbent - This refers to the man in power; otherwise known as 'President-for-life' or the immovable object.
Independent Candidate - A fool who hasn't yet been convinced to pledge his allegiance to the ruling party (or the opposition). After a while he will be referred to, as ‘an enemy of the people'. He is likely to frequently be made to regret his ‘independence'.

Interest group - Refers to a motley crew who lobby on behalf of their particular ‘interests'. They could include diamond and gold dealers, arms salesmen, NGO's and ‘reverse alchemists' (they turn Africa's gold into base metal).

Internet campaigning - African countries may start doing this when they can figure out how to provide electricity for more than 1% of the population.

Junta - Like a gang (usually of army boys) who, instead of forming a music group, decide to have a ‘go' at forming a government/running a country - usually after a coup d'etat, and make a very bad job of it..

Lame duck - A bizarre concept, this one. In Africa, you're either the president or you're the ex-president (i.e. you're dead). Unlike western countries, a lame duck African president will not know that he is a ‘lame duck' until just before the coup plotters shoot him.

Liberalism - Freedom to do who and what you want; and, more importantly, to distribute the country's wealth to whom you want.

Libertarian - Not to be confused with ‘Liberian' or ‘Librarian'. Not many of them on the continent as they believe in limited government intervention in their affairs. They can usually be found exiled to some foreign land for their own good.

Lobbying - Not to be confused with ‘lobbing' as in, throwing stones. This involves using less painful methods to convince elected members to enact laws favourable to your interest group. A large sum of money deposited in an offshore or foreign bank account is a very effective lobbying mechanism and usually does the trick.

Mandate - The right to govern given to you after the last landslide election in which you were the only candidate.

Media - Includes journalists, reporters and cameramen who provide stories for newspapers, TV etc. If they print nice stories about you as ‘leader/father of the nation', it's either because they have no option or because they are trying to get their owner released from prison. As leader, even the most mundane story about you will be expected to be headline news.

Minister - person appointed by the president or Prime Minister and given responsibility for looking after a particular industry or sector and, by extension, the leader's interests in that sector or industry. Occasionally, and sometimes coincidentally, the Minister may look after the interests of the country as well. Frequently, the best (only?) qualification for this is to be related to the ‘Big Man'.

Nomination - If you have a strong powerbase (i.e. lots of men with guns), you can expect to be nominated as the outstanding candidate for your party to run in upcoming elections. And, be prepared to run for your life, if you fail to win against the incumbent.

Nominee - The ‘last man standing' after the other candidates in your party have recognised (after you've used your powers of persuasion) that you are the only person who can possibly lead the party.

Party - The organisation to which political candidates belong and which is responsible for organising their campaigns (see above). Sometimes, there may even be more than one in some African countries. Why the need for more than one has never really been explained.

Photo op - This is a chance to have your picture taken whilst doing something really exciting: such as opening a pig-and-poultry farm. This will then be splashed all over the next day's front pages (if they know what's good for them).

Platform - This concept assumes that one can be bothered to work out policies on which people can vote, beyond saying "I'm from this area, vote for me".

Plurality - The official definition is: a voting system in which the greatest number of votes wins, even if a majority is not reached (second and third preferences can come into play). The president-for-life always gets the majority vote - sometimes 100%.

Political Suicide - This is what happens to anyone foolish enough to oppose a ‘big man'. This can also apply to those members of the president's party who starts to get too many bright ideas. The trick is to make the ‘big man' think that the bright idea is his.

Political spectrum - The theoretical range of political thought and representation in a country. This can mean either one party or none in some countries. You hardly hear African politics these days engaged in talk of left or right wings. You're either with the Americans or you're against them. These days, this does not preclude you making deals with the ‘Democratic' People's Republic of China (Democratic? Who said the Chinese don't do irony?).

Poll - One either ‘goes to the polls' to vote or, if extremely foolish, allows oneself to be quoted in an opinion poll that is not favourable to the ruling party. This latter is not a wise thing to do. It is like a pack of cigarettes, it carries a health warning.

Popular Vote - This is what a beloved leader gets every time he puts himself forward at a general election (see above definition). He gets this no matter how badly the economy has performed or how many days the majority of the country has gone without electricity, car fuel or water.

Presidential Veto - If the president doesn't like it - for example, he may not be getting a big enough cut of the deal, he will veto it.

Private sector - Usually those areas of business not controlled by the state. This does not mean that they have no interaction with the state. The tentacles of the state are usually long and can reach and frustrate anyone. And, so they end up being controlled by the state.

Public sector - These are people who work for the government; sometimes it can become voluntary work (i.e. without pay), although they are never told this when they join.

Pundit - One who pontificates loudly (and for money) on matters of politics, often deluding himself that he can influence people and events.

Quixotic - A charitable way of describing the unreasonable behaviours of many of the ‘Big Men' on the continent.
Referendum - This is a device that allows the people to record (usually between 98-100%) how much they love the leader and want him to carry on forever, for without him, the country would be lost.

Rule of Law - The rules and regulations to which all should be subject, but seldom are. These hardly ever apply to the beloved leader or the ruling party. If they do, they can be changed swiftly.

Running for Office - To put yourself forward to the electorate for consideration in some electable capacity. Not to be confused with ‘running from office' of the person who has called you in for questioning.

Spin - This is a fancy way of saying that someone is trying to convince you that life could not be better for you, even as inflation hits 1000%. Rather like a sword, if you live by it, you are most likely to die by it.

Swing vote - This usually refers to the few voters who have yet to be persuaded to vote one way or another (usually one way - and by force). So called because the swing of a baton or rifle butt is usually sufficient to engender a change of voting intention.

Think Tank - These are smartarses who do all the thinking for the not-so-smart ‘big men'.

Ticket - Not a physical item but the say-so that a candidate or candidates have the endorsement of a political party. As with other things, you may need a plane ticket if you fail to unseat the incumbent (see above).

The Two party system - This is yet another one of those concepts those colonialists have tried to foist upon us. All it does is divide a nation instead of allowing everyone to unite behind the ‘big man'. Not really suited to the African continent, which is why it hasn't really caught on. Those who want to practise this can do so - usually in another continent.

Viable candidate - The president mostly.

Violence - A popular and preferred method of persuading people to vote for you, especially at election time.

Whistle-stop Campaigning - A moving target is hard to hit, so the faster you move throughout the country, the harder it is for those few people who don't like you to hit you.

WMD - Words of Mass Deception - closely allied to ‘spin'. This is the art of using words to convince people that something exists even as the one doing the convincing knows that it does not. A much more frequently deployed skill these days.

Xenophobia - A strong dislike of anyone who does not look like you or members of your ethnic group. It can sometimes lead to bloody consequences and this is no joke.

Youth - Always to be prefixed by the definite article (as in ‘the Youth'). This is that group of young people to whom you can make outrageous promises of future progress/employment and/or offer a place in your ‘liberation movement' - sometimes referred to as a ‘rebel movement'.

Zero - The tangible improvements that can be discerned after years of a government being in power. Frequently refers to the rate of growth of the economy.